I suffer badly with a form of depression. It's called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
Why am I writing about this? Because I am told that writing about your journey can be theraputic. But also because too many people are ashamed to be open about their mental health. There is too much stigma out there. And fear.
Fear of being told to pull yourself together...it can't be that bad...what have you to be depressed about...you don't look depressed to me...depression isn't an illness...don't we all get depressed. Etc.
It is part of the human condition that every person experiences challenges and setbacks with their mental health. But some people suffer more than others, for longer, and feel less sure that the sun will shine on them again. One in four will experience mental illness at some point in their lives.
I see my mental health journey like being on a plane. There are black dogs in the seats behind me who like to snap at me if I don't show them respect. The in-flight movie is sometimes very distressing and you cannot change the channel. It's a no alcohol flight. And I have far too much baggage!
But sometimes when I feel more relaxed I can see faraway things out the window. The sky and the stars give me hope. The black holes frighten me. The turbulence is unsettling. And yet the plane is still in the sky, going somewhere. I have no idea where. I have asked but am just a bit-part actor.
The plane has crashed a few times, badly. Occasionally I have tried to fly it too high, towards the sun. That is the Icarus flight, an attempt to connect with lasting beauty. It's a long way down. Significant repairs and TLC have been needed. It's a miracle in many ways that the plane ever got back in the air.
When I can find gratitude I realise that my plane journey is not a death sentence. Or a death sentence. It gives me hope that I am still here. Maybe I have more strength than I give myself credit for. Peace of Mind is a faraway land that some people have told me about. I would love to check into a hotel there some day. But I need to focus on my plane journey rather than any destination.
It can be very lonely marooned in my head but I have been truly blessed with a wonderful family. Me and my illness have stretched and tested them to the limits.And yet I get unconditional love. They have never given up hope when I have thrown in the towel, too weak and tormented to go another mile. My family are the most important and valuable companions I have on my journey.
So if you are still reading, then I will finish with a link for a song I wrote. It's called Keep It Simple. For 3 minutes and 34 seconds it helps me live in the moment with a bit of gratitude for the good things in my life.
Keep it simple, Make it strong
And if some trouble comes
It won't stay long
Easy does it, Live and let live
Keep coming back
You're never alone
Progress not perfection,
This too shall pass
Share your hope, Keep moving along
https://soundcloud.com/macmurphy-1/keep-it-simple
Let's be kind to each other and work with the fear.
