"After interpersonal trauma, it is understandably very difficult to forgive the person who harmed you. This is especially true when the abuser never acknowledges what they did or faces consequences for the harm done. It can feel like the only thing tying them to the crime is the anger of their victim. The problem, of course, is that the survivor’s anger hurts the survivor far more than the abuser. Anger doesn’t hold the perpetrator accountable. It can’t make them sorry. It doesn’t make them pay. If it could, there would probably less repeat offenders.... Anger can, however, consume the person who is angry. It takes a great deal of energy to hold onto it, energy that the survivor is spending on their perpetrator instead of themselves. And you deserve better."
I recently got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. My train journey has stopped over the years at destinations like addiction, OCD, severe depression, and then bipolar disorder. So keeping on the rails has been a major challenge in my adult life. I believe I was born with faulty internal wiring in my top floor.
Unfortunately over three years ago I suffered a major interpersonal trauma. From a very minor start, I was bullied mercilessly to the point where death would have seemed better than a tortured life. I had worked for 25 years in secure employment. It had given me some stabililty and self-respect. I felt no option but to report the initial bullying so there could be a neutral investigation to be fair to both sides.
From that moment on every procedure was broken to protect the bully. The bully was joined by HR and senior managers in a fight I couldn't win. They targetted my mental health and referred me for evaluation in the hope that could tarnish me. The independent medics supported me so the bullies subjected me to disciplinary procedures. When a group decide to target a victim it's called mobbing.
I will write some other time about mobbing tactics. Suffice to say it can ruin your health, finances and relationships. Particularly if you refuse to go under the steamroller. It breaks some people enough to kill them. I fought as hard as I could for my equal rights to not have my mental health targetted. The machine threatened to fire me so I took ill-health retirement. And in legal proceedings I probably got a very bloody draw. But the machine just moved on. None of the gang members lost any sleep. Mobbing demumanises the victim enough that punishments given are seen as part of the process.
I write this detail to get to the point of the article. I now have PTSD caused by my 'survivor's anger'. It eats away at me when awake, intrudes on my sleep and diminishes me as a human being.
So I would love to have the capacity to forgive. To cash in my 'survivor' chips and feel a bit human again. To walk the dogs around the park without angry and bitter memories competing for full control. To stop feeling haunted. To mentally sit still. Its hard enough to fight the rollercoaster of borderline without septic anger seeping through my synapses.
I know that if I forgive, I win. Not over the gang of six. I am roadkill to them. But forgiving could allow me to shut that door so I can rebuild and renew. I know from attending a 12 step group that you can 'fake it to make it'. That helped to kill King Addiction. I do not have to mean the forgiveness. Just do it and move on. It's beautifully simple.
But my mind makes me pick at and nurture the angry scars. To feel that losing the hurt would be another win for them. Some days I absolutely hate them all. Other days I see them a group that mean nothing for me. Robotic clones with nothing personal.
With some DBT and lots of work on myself I hope to reach the forgiveness stage and drop the distressing anger. I deserve that much. But part of me fears I will always carry scars that empty my soul.
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/after-trauma/2015/02/should-you-forgive-someone-who-harmed-you/
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